All posts filed under “Life”

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November 7, 2015
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How to Write a Cover Letter: The Funny Guide

I wrote this originally for Uberlin

how to write cover letter

Ever wondered why cover letters are called cover letters?

That’s because they’re a cover-up, a fraud, a final attempt to reinforce all the lies you’ve shamelessly written on your resume and spice them up with some hardcore lip service. A good cover letter is something you can’t have your wife and children read without them thinking you’re willing to trade your family for a part-time customer service job at an internet startup using a trusted VPN service like cubik.

Now, in order to write a convincing cover letter you have to be able to write a regular one. I know that nobody writes proper letters anymore, but in our childhood we’ve all done it in (at least) two specific circumstances.

 #1 Love Letters

I remember middle school as the place where my first literary attempts took place. All the guys were writing down their hormonal intensity to girls who either wouldn’t let them touch their breasts or didn’t have breasts at all. One of my letters was so successful that a 12 year old girl in my class pulled me aside and kissed me, making death poems suddenly look like a better idea.

#2 Letters to Santa

Growing up in a catholic family, I could either write my Christmas wishes to Santa or to baby Jesus. I always picked the former – very conveniently – assuming that the old man wouldn’t be up to date with my sins. In hindsight I feel like I was never really filled in on the magic of Christmas and as a result all my letters to Santa sounded like financial scam against seniors, as if I had to convince him to spend all his pension for my presents. Also, I probably looked down on Jesus, thinking that a baby born in a cave wouldn’t be able to discern between the real Little Mermaid merchandise and a cheap rip-off.

Anyway, the perfect cover letter takes something from both examples; it has the severe longing of the teenage love letter and the manipulative hidden agenda of the Santa letter; It makes big promises but also claims big rewards; it tells a company that you’ll be their dream, you’ll be their wish, you’ll be their fantasy. You’ll be their hope, you’ll be their love, be everything that they need. You’ll love them more with every breath (truly,  madly, deeply do) you will be strong, you will be faithful ’cause you’re counting on a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah.

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Dear NAME_OF_RECRUITER, Read More

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October 11, 2015
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The Most Amazing Office Picture Ever Taken

Yes, it happened again.

After my cameo in the most amazing roller coaster picture ever taken, my beautiful persona is once again under the spotlight and earned himself a guest star appearance in what must be a new milestone in the history of photography.

Chapter 1, in which I “act natural”

Weeks ago I noticed a stranger with a camera wandering through the rooms of my workplace. It turned out she was writing an article about our office for a cool French website based in Berlin and needed some pictures of the space. Given that I was the only person in my room, she asked if she could take a couple of shots of me working.

– “Sure…”

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– “Just act natural”

I don’t know about you, but when I’m told to act natural the pressure is simply too high and my instinctual reaction is one of the following: Read More

September 1, 2015
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The Most Amazing Roller Coaster Photo Ever Taken

I think I found the picture I want on my tombstone.

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But maybe we should start from the beginning.

FLASHBACK
COUPLE DAYS AGO
SOUTH OF GERMANY

As you probably know if you follow me on Twitter, my boyfriend and I recently took a holiday in Switzerland/South of Germany/Black Forest.

We opted for the south of Germany in particular because, apart from its beautiful nature and the fact that drinking beer for breakfast is socially acceptable, there’s a big amusement park there.

For years I’ve been lamenting the fact that Berlin has no proper amusement park, telling everybody how much I loooove roller coasters and adventurous rides (in hindsight, I must have been drunk).

So, Europa Park happened. We got there in the late morning without much preliminary research and found ourselves in front of a big, badass amusement park. The number of attractions exceeded our expectations (you need at least two days if you wanna do everything) and the theme seemed pretty well developed (each area of the park is a European country and its individual attractions are based on something connected to the country).

We decided to start with Iceland because, as  you know if you’ve followed our trip, everything is calm and peaceful there.

Bad idea. Read More

August 1, 2015
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How to Write Your Resume: The Funny Guide

I wrote this originally for Uberlin

If you’ve read the previous chapter of this guide, you should have identified the startup job of your dreams and be ready to apply.

If you haven’t found it, it probably means you’re being too picky and are doomed to become a homeless person while waiting to encounter the perfect job title (“Hairstylist at a horse beauty  contest”)
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But let’s assume you are ready to go.

Applying at an internet startup is a delicate process that you can’t afford to fuck up. Your whole career depends on this preliminary phase and in this second chapter of my guide I’ll focus on how to put together a spotless Curriculum Vitae.

STEP 1 – LAYOUT

Once upon a time the reign of CVs was ruled by an evil king called European Model. The European Model states that all the information inside a CV shall be divided into two columns and be presented in the most readable (a.k.a. boring) way possible, as if to proudly scream to the world that we all have OCD.

Then the game changed. Recruiters were getting tired of their job life after hours of going through the same, excruciatingly boring and anonymous documents and at the same time internet startups started understanding the value of differentiation and personality. Read More

July 11, 2015
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How to Go Through Job Postings: The Funny Guide

I originally wrote this for the awesome Uberlin

 

My mother used to put stuff in boxes. Professionally. She did it for 30 years at the same small-sized suburban Italian company and while the boxes were sent everywhere in the world, she and her career weren’t exactly going places.

My dad, the only male among four siblings, had to drop out of middle school to help his father in the fields. Like many of his peers, he learned to think of work as something related to suffering, sacrifice and blind obedience.

Whenever I tell my parents about company breakfasts, team building events and gamification, they share a very specific look that I’ve come to interpret as “He’s lying to us. He’s squatting an abandoned building and SMUGGLES drugs across countries in order to pay for his groceries”.

But I get that look. I do. Growing up with a blue-collar upbringing made me both conscious of my current luck and weirdly aware of the seemingly absurd sides of the startup life.

This series of posts  is the natural consequence of that.

 

CHAPTER 1: JOB POSTINGS

This is going to sound obvious, but in order to work at a startup you need to either found one or be hired by one. I’m going to focus on the latter ’cause I’m a slacker and I’ve made it my life goal to achieve less and less every day.

If you’re smart you’ve probably created alerts that result in receiving an email every time a desirable position is available, either through Google Alerts or through more specific job oriented platforms like Indeed.de or BerlinStartupJobs.com. What you might not know, though, is that when it comes to job titles startups can be as quirky as the side charatcer of an indie tv series.

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The chances your alert will be triggered by the keyword “customer relationship manager” are thinner, for example, than the ones for the keyword “Customer Happiness Ninja”. You know what I mean? Read More

May 17, 2015
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I’m on FluxFM – a drinking game

I don’t know how this happened, but on Tuesday 19. May at 10 PM I’ll be on FluxFM (like, the best Internet radio evah) to speak about my 100 Days of German Words project.

The program is called Off the record and is hosted by the lovely and talented Elizabeth Rushe and Charlie Layton.

I’d like to pretend this is not embarrassing news for a second, but life is too short to lie to ourselves.

Deep down I know that if being on the radio is anything like speaking on the phone, we may -Houston – have a problem, ’cause everybody including my mom agrees on the fact that I am a terrible phone partner.

If you decide to listen to the program (it’s a free country, who am I to stop you?) I strongly advise you buy a bottle of something to go with it and take part in the following drinking game.

 

DRINK ONE SHOT every time I generate an awkwardly long silence

DRINK ONE SHOT every time my English is bad

DRINK ONE SHOT every time I sound lost and confused

DRINK ENTIRE BOTTLE if I start crying

At least you won’t be able to see my hair.

January 21, 2015

11 Italian Expressions That Will Weird You Out

From the creator of the acclaimed  8 Italian expressions having to do with poop (yep, that’s me!), here comes another dive into the darkness of the Italian language.

Delightfully vulgar and creepily truthful, this blog post is not suitable for pregnant women, minors or pregnant minors.

Here we go:

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To take someone by the ass or Prendere per il culo means making a fool of someone, joking or even conning somebody.

Usage Examples:

– So you don’t really own a boa constrictor?
– LOL. No, we’ve been taking you by the ass the whole time!
– Haha!

or

– The commercial says I’m gonna lose 20 Kg in two weeks!
– That must be a take by the ass, there’s no way something like that is doable

or

– I was out visiting my friend Micheal
– Really? Too bad that I’ve met Micheal and you were not with him! Do you really think you can take me by the ass like that?! Read More

January 15, 2015

Hair – A Tribute

The internet knows things about you which you’re still not aware of. Anything you’ve ever shared, anything you’ve written while you were drunk or angry or in search of attention, is recorded and delineates a big picture of behaviours and thoughts that is bigger than your consciousness.

In particular, what the internet told me recently is that I speak a lot about hair.

In fact, it turns out hair is the topic I tweet about the most.

Hard to admit it, but that makes sense. I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my puffy, untamable hair. I think it’s a feisty component of my look and (when it gets too long) it makes me stand out against my will. It’s what makes my shadow look like the one of a Playmobil figure and what makes my life motto “Every day is a bad hair day”.

On the other hand it’s also true that 30 years after my birth my hair is still right where it belongs. I’m gonna celebrate that by going down memory lane with a selection of tweets that the Internet is kindly harvesting for me.

 

September 3. 2013 – Porn Hair

September 10. 2013 – Lost Hair

 

September 12. 2013 – Wishful Hair

September 27. 2013 – Tribute Hair

Read More

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October 20, 2014

Keep your friends close and your enemies’ closet

Sometimes miracles happen.

Not stuff like resurrecting the dead or being able to lick your own elbow, though. Nothing like that. I’m talking about those everyday gestures that surprise you in their simplicity, like a selfless act of kindness coming from someone you don’t expect.

Take my neighbour, for example.

She’s changing the furniture in her flat and instead of throwing everything away she’s decided to donate her old (but still respectable) closet to whoever wants it.

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It warms my heart, if I think about it. Read More

the parent trap
September 8, 2014

The Parent (Jocks)Trap

It’s time for me to come clean before my mom leaks this on the internet.

The Parent Trap was by far my favourite movie as a kid.

the parent trap

In case you don’t know it, the story is about two twin sisters separated at young age (one lives with her dad, one with her mom) who meet for the first time at a summer camp and develop a plan to reunite their parents.

I guess what I found charming was the idea of meeting someone who is exactly like you, speaks like you, looks like you and  with whom you share an immediate, indissoluble bond. It sounded comforting. Read More