I won’t lie to you: when it comes to german supermarkets, REWE is my true and only love.

Rewe is sexy (every time I step in I feel the excitement of the first time) but it’s not like a one night stand. It is there for me, it cuddles me with selected delicious brands, it brings me the groceries home when I’m a lazy ass, it instructs me about the german culture with compelling sticker collections. Let’s admit it: there is nothing like REWE.

That said, I’ve always thought of you, Lidl, as a good number two.  You were like an old friend I don’t see so often but I know I can always count on. You were direct, focused on substance rather than appearance, always there to give me just what I needed without useless embellishments.

I used to care for you, and I know you used to care for me, but things have changed, we grew apart. I could have just stayed silent and turn to Aldi or Netto, but I really want things to be good again, therefore I’m going to tell you why I’m hurt.

1) Strawberry Yogurt

You should know, by know, that strawberry yogurt is my favourite. I buy it every day and I expect you to have it there ready for me. Unfortunately, lately all I find is Kirsche or Kirsche-Banane.
Why should I pay the price if Ehrmann had the terrible idea to mix cherry and banana in one disgusting flavour NOBODY wants to eat?
Just send everything to Asia, they have weird taste there, and give me back my mid-afternoon snack.

2) Supersonic Speed

Why is the person sitting at the Kasse always so unbelievably fast at Lidl? My hypothesys are:

– They’re on steroids.
– There’s a bomb connected to the cash register and if the guy/girl scans less than 5 items per second the supermarket will blow up. It happened to Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves: it can happen to any of us.
– There’s an internal competition and the first employee who breaks the sound barrier wins a trip to Maiorca
– The whole supermarket thing is just a cover operation and Lidl is actually a military camp where they train ninjas.
– They’re all cyborgs.

Whatever the reason is: how do you think we feel, Lidl?
From the moment we’re done paying we have exactly 7 seconds to get all of our groceries and be gone. That’s a lot of pressure. Every time I end up running away from the Kasse with the wallet in my mouth and a couple of items in my underwear, ’cause I panic and I feel the judging glances of the 76 years old woman next in line.

3) Stikeez

Do you think you can throw out a Stikeez collection for your customers and then just take it back? A collection is a commitment, and you’re not boyfriend material. I have great memories of the moments spent sticking Rewe stickers to my “The History of Germany” album, while your collection, Lidl, ended up being a Stekeez situation.

That’s it.

I hope I gave you cheap food for thought and that our friendship now will grow stronger and stronger.